Phoenix Rising

Autumn creeps across the land
and Death whispers His command,
Green becomes brown and then disappears.
It is time to fly south.
Retreat, retreat, scream the small furry mammals,
Hide out and away from the cold.
The Dead Season has made an entrance and the Phoenix turns to ash.
White blankets the world and freezes the water.
Immovable and hard, it cuts at the flesh of living beings
and blood, crimson crystals shine in the weak rays of light that struggle to shine.
But the Phoenix will rise, new from these ashes
and green will again push through this white.
There will be fresh blossoms and birds at the feeder
Once the fire has burned through the rot.
Songs will soon ring from mountain to valley as mother nature greets her young flock.
No silence will end the joyfully praised sun.
Color will burst.
Black, white and grey will not reign
Life will return to the dark and the doubtful
and hope will rule once again.

A Poem

Talk to me, tell me your story, sing me your song, show me your world
Life is so hard, each day a new climb, a new hike, a new set of problems to solve
Sinking in the quicksand of life, people do not understand
I want to understand, I want to learn, I want to know
I am lost, confused, blind, unsure, scared
Where am I, what is this place, why is there no light
Run, run, run far away,
escape into ... into... somewhere
There is no escape
Life goes on, ride the River of life, let it take you where it will
Swim or sink and drown
Tread water and decide which course to take,
but wait the choice is made for you
Carried away, faster, faster, faster
the World a blur as you pass by
Suddenly the end has come 
look back and see how far you have come
See those you have left behind
See the bodies of those who did not make it
and be Grateful or---
Jealous

Choices

People say you have a choice,
They tell me it's up to me,
Relapse or stay in recovery.
The thing is that given the choice I would choose my behaviors.
It cannot be a choice therefore,
Or I would go back to the way it was before.
I do not mind the harmful ways,
In which I used to engage.
Hardly eating and "excessive" exercise,
Sounds like paradise.
Shrinking down in size sounds pretty good to me,
I do not mind paying the fee.
So no it cannot be a choice, but a must,
Or I will slip and go down the slippery slope,
Because I can no longer cope-
With these thoughts going round and round,
While the ground I pound.
Running in circles, running faster
Right into disaster.

Shame and Guilt

Images, words, text, feelings, thoughts wash over me-

Threatening to drag me under-A wave I cannot ride out-

A sea of guilt and self-loathing.

Rain falls- bullets from the sky- meant as punishment,

Deeds done cannot be erase-

Words said, etched forever in the Mind-

Never letting me forget,

Never letting me forgive. 

Wash this filth away, Scrub until the raw skin gives way to bead of Blood.

Hot, stinging water on fresh flesh,

Burn, burning away the sin, the Wrong.

Never enough,

Never enough to ease the horror, the Shame

Of What Has Been, What Was Done, What Was Said.

Who knew it would turn out this way?

Who knew it would haunt me like it did, like it does?

I did, but I did it anyway.

A Good-bye Poem

Wind picks up as dark clouds overtake blue sky,

A shift in the World that has me asking why?

People come and go without seeing

The silent tears I cry.

Light dies in the oncoming storm,

The Power of it all creates in me a kind of high.

Wind whips around me, ruffles my hair,

As I watch the World slowly die.

While hail rains down and pounds the ground

On a bed of leaves I lie.

Silence washes over the country side,

As I whisper my Good-Bye.

I wish

I wish I could shut up my brain

I wish I could stop this rain

I wish I could just see the light

I wish, I wish with all my might

That one day I will learn the truth about myself

And one day also reclaim my health

I wish I could just fade away

Because my ed now holds sway

Of thoughts and feelings, urges and fears

And I don’t know if I can fight these tears

This pain I feel within my chest

Allows me no peace, no rest

I fear I will not be long for this land

Someone please take my hand

And show me I am no alone

That I can be more than skin and bone

I wish to avoid this fate

And freely eat what’s on my plate

But for now I cower in fear

And to me it now is clear

That I am nothing more than a fake

From this nightmare I wish to wake

I wish I could control my mind

For now in utter darkness I find

Wishes cannot come true

When upon my ed, advice I drew

So fly away from the darken night

And remember you can fight.

Ana and Me

Once again it is Her I see looking back at me,

An evil trick of mind She plays and whispers words I hear as mine.

Her voice is soft and sweet, Her manner kind and gentle,

Her words can carry through all the noise of life and love.

Her reason flawed, makes sense sometimes as I find her in my mind.

You may meet Her on a street.

You may see Her on swift feet.

You may find Her in your home,

You may hear Her sweet tone.

You may fear Her urgent call.

And maybe for Her you fall.

I once loved Her soothing Voice.

I once made a fateful choice.

I once thought I could control Her.

But I found Her sly and tricky.

Words like poison course through my body

Logic built on foundations shoddy.

She grew cold and I grew colder,

I started looking over my shoulder.

No one knew our sacred secret.

She and I became but one

Our love can never be undone.

I loved Her presence, loved Her touched.

I loved the feeling, loved the care, loved the leaving, loved the stares.

How was I to know the price

Attached to Her friendship, Our relationship, Our Kinship?

From friend to foe She slowly shifted.

Confront the reality.

Find the flaws in Her reasoning.

Cut the ties, cut the crap.

See how She transformed truth and fiction.

Glorifying gaunt girls with fake smiles, Stick Figures.

I met Her on a street.

I saw Her on swift feet.

I found Her in me and in my home,

I heard Her sweet tone.

I fear Her urgent call.

Because I for Her I fall.

I see Her wherever I go.

I feel Her in my being.

I was there when She stopped my flow.

I wish Her far from my hearing,

But I carry her in my head,

As so will I continue until I am dead.