Phoenix Rising

Autumn creeps across the land
and Death whispers His command,
Green becomes brown and then disappears.
It is time to fly south.
Retreat, retreat, scream the small furry mammals,
Hide out and away from the cold.
The Dead Season has made an entrance and the Phoenix turns to ash.
White blankets the world and freezes the water.
Immovable and hard, it cuts at the flesh of living beings
and blood, crimson crystals shine in the weak rays of light that struggle to shine.
But the Phoenix will rise, new from these ashes
and green will again push through this white.
There will be fresh blossoms and birds at the feeder
Once the fire has burned through the rot.
Songs will soon ring from mountain to valley as mother nature greets her young flock.
No silence will end the joyfully praised sun.
Color will burst.
Black, white and grey will not reign
Life will return to the dark and the doubtful
and hope will rule once again.

A Poem

Talk to me, tell me your story, sing me your song, show me your world
Life is so hard, each day a new climb, a new hike, a new set of problems to solve
Sinking in the quicksand of life, people do not understand
I want to understand, I want to learn, I want to know
I am lost, confused, blind, unsure, scared
Where am I, what is this place, why is there no light
Run, run, run far away,
escape into ... into... somewhere
There is no escape
Life goes on, ride the River of life, let it take you where it will
Swim or sink and drown
Tread water and decide which course to take,
but wait the choice is made for you
Carried away, faster, faster, faster
the World a blur as you pass by
Suddenly the end has come 
look back and see how far you have come
See those you have left behind
See the bodies of those who did not make it
and be Grateful or---
Jealous

Choices

People say you have a choice,
They tell me it's up to me,
Relapse or stay in recovery.
The thing is that given the choice I would choose my behaviors.
It cannot be a choice therefore,
Or I would go back to the way it was before.
I do not mind the harmful ways,
In which I used to engage.
Hardly eating and "excessive" exercise,
Sounds like paradise.
Shrinking down in size sounds pretty good to me,
I do not mind paying the fee.
So no it cannot be a choice, but a must,
Or I will slip and go down the slippery slope,
Because I can no longer cope-
With these thoughts going round and round,
While the ground I pound.
Running in circles, running faster
Right into disaster.

Shame and Guilt

Images, words, text, feelings, thoughts wash over me-

Threatening to drag me under-A wave I cannot ride out-

A sea of guilt and self-loathing.

Rain falls- bullets from the sky- meant as punishment,

Deeds done cannot be erase-

Words said, etched forever in the Mind-

Never letting me forget,

Never letting me forgive. 

Wash this filth away, Scrub until the raw skin gives way to bead of Blood.

Hot, stinging water on fresh flesh,

Burn, burning away the sin, the Wrong.

Never enough,

Never enough to ease the horror, the Shame

Of What Has Been, What Was Done, What Was Said.

Who knew it would turn out this way?

Who knew it would haunt me like it did, like it does?

I did, but I did it anyway.

A Good-bye Poem

Wind picks up as dark clouds overtake blue sky,

A shift in the World that has me asking why?

People come and go without seeing

The silent tears I cry.

Light dies in the oncoming storm,

The Power of it all creates in me a kind of high.

Wind whips around me, ruffles my hair,

As I watch the World slowly die.

While hail rains down and pounds the ground

On a bed of leaves I lie.

Silence washes over the country side,

As I whisper my Good-Bye.

I wish

I wish I could shut up my brain

I wish I could stop this rain

I wish I could just see the light

I wish, I wish with all my might

That one day I will learn the truth about myself

And one day also reclaim my health

I wish I could just fade away

Because my ed now holds sway

Of thoughts and feelings, urges and fears

And I don’t know if I can fight these tears

This pain I feel within my chest

Allows me no peace, no rest

I fear I will not be long for this land

Someone please take my hand

And show me I am no alone

That I can be more than skin and bone

I wish to avoid this fate

And freely eat what’s on my plate

But for now I cower in fear

And to me it now is clear

That I am nothing more than a fake

From this nightmare I wish to wake

I wish I could control my mind

For now in utter darkness I find

Wishes cannot come true

When upon my ed, advice I drew

So fly away from the darken night

And remember you can fight.

Ana and Me

Once again it is Her I see looking back at me,

An evil trick of mind She plays and whispers words I hear as mine.

Her voice is soft and sweet, Her manner kind and gentle,

Her words can carry through all the noise of life and love.

Her reason flawed, makes sense sometimes as I find her in my mind.

You may meet Her on a street.

You may see Her on swift feet.

You may find Her in your home,

You may hear Her sweet tone.

You may fear Her urgent call.

And maybe for Her you fall.

I once loved Her soothing Voice.

I once made a fateful choice.

I once thought I could control Her.

But I found Her sly and tricky.

Words like poison course through my body

Logic built on foundations shoddy.

She grew cold and I grew colder,

I started looking over my shoulder.

No one knew our sacred secret.

She and I became but one

Our love can never be undone.

I loved Her presence, loved Her touched.

I loved the feeling, loved the care, loved the leaving, loved the stares.

How was I to know the price

Attached to Her friendship, Our relationship, Our Kinship?

From friend to foe She slowly shifted.

Confront the reality.

Find the flaws in Her reasoning.

Cut the ties, cut the crap.

See how She transformed truth and fiction.

Glorifying gaunt girls with fake smiles, Stick Figures.

I met Her on a street.

I saw Her on swift feet.

I found Her in me and in my home,

I heard Her sweet tone.

I fear Her urgent call.

Because I for Her I fall.

I see Her wherever I go.

I feel Her in my being.

I was there when She stopped my flow.

I wish Her far from my hearing,

But I carry her in my head,

As so will I continue until I am dead.

My Blaze, dedicated to my cat, may he rest in peace

You were my shadow friend,

But walks too long meant complaining.

So we never strayed too far,

Or when we did you were left behind.

I remember when I cried,

You climbed into my lap to lick my tears.

And when we said good-night,

You came with me to bed.

When as a babe, you chose us,

You had no place to call home.

Your patience did not last forever,

But soon we brought you home.

Your nature sweet and mild,

You never caused us grief.

So many times you knew just what to do to comfort each of us.

When fights broke out you scolded

And when there was family closeness your purrs resounded through the house.

A truer friend will be hard to find.

Your presence sorely missed.

Yet sometimes in the dark of night I think I hear your voice,

When you left, the tears could not flow,

But now it’s clear the hole you left in me.

This void you left cannot be filled for none shall take your place.

I wish I could have seen you one last time,

For a kiss, a lick upon my face.

Now all I have is the memory of your purr

Eyes slit – your smile

You were my best friend, my love, my cat, my fire.

Pretty Little Pills

Pretty little pills all in a row,

Pretty little pills where will you go?

Do you really work, can you really help me?

What can you do, pretty little pills?

Can you make me happy?

Can you help me grow?

Can you stop the shaking?

Can you stop the flow?

Pretty little pills all in a row,

Different colored beauties, how do you work?

Do you stop the fire, do you dull the hurt?

Can you heal the skin,

Can you smell the burnt skin that was my skin?

Life that was my life,

Can you bring it back?

Will you bring me joy?

Find me a loving boy?

Pretty little pills all in a row,

For how long will you grow?

My Friend Ana

A little girl came up to me, said "Want to be my friend?

I am new in town and know no one and you seem very nice."

"Of course," I said "I'm Anna." She smiled and took my hand.

"No way," she said. "Mine too!"

From that day on we became like one for better or for worse

We played together and danced together, sung together and ate together.

Never was I lonely, once she came into my life.

She loved me and I loved her.

We swore never to part,

She quickly worked her way into my heart.

She only wanted the best for me and worked with me to get it.

Her love for me was so great she spared me embarrassment through her harsh criticism.

Because she loved me she told me honestly of every flaw and err

She pushed me hard out of love to work on self-improvement.

With each new day she grew harsher and yet she still cared.

I did my best to please her but nothing seemed to satisfy.

She cut me off from all and often made me cry

"You must not listen to your 'friends.' They know you not like I. I am you and you are me, one Anna to them all."

"I know," I said "I'll follow your for life."

She led me to a new land full of sorrow, toil and strife

An outsider looking in wonders why I stay

But they can't know the deep set bond between the two of us

I tell them all there is nothing you can to do help or break our sacred bond

I cannot leave her, my first true love

She know me like no other can or ever will

She's in my mind, my heart, my body

Always there, always present, impossible to separate

My twin, my friend, my one Adviser, She cannot, will not lie to me

I love her and she loves me, which is how I know it was meant to be

Never in life shall we part, in sickness and in health,

Til death do us part.

Though at times she hurts me, I cannot leave my love

I sometimes want to cry, to scream and shout,

But I love her, need her, she get me through each day, each hour, minute, second.

I cannot leave her til she leaves me.

My body, my temple

My body is a temple, they say.

Well if that’s true it is an old one,

A ruin, ancient and out-dated

Transformed from a strong source of Beauty to a crumbling heap of rubbish

No worshippers come now,

No sanctity lift, no voice raised in praise or pleading,

No one comes to visit

No one stops in awe

The once grand stone columns sit as tree stumps covered in mossy green.

The alter worn down to bits of sand and scattered across the world.

Exposed to the elements, eroded and broken

Some say to salt the land, let nothing grow where it stands

A favorite place for poison ivy, oak and other things

Unsafe and ugly, people walk faster as they pass.

It reeks of Death, Hopelessness, Despair and Evil.

All who sought to visit die slowly, painfully

Caution tape surrounds it with warning signs spaced round

Beware the Fate of Temples that lack both love and care!

Hey Girl

She cannot be heard

She rarely is seen

Nobody knows the pain she is in

She wonders if anyone even cares

Slowly she walks through the halls

Head down

Hair down

Facing the floor

Walks in the shadow

Not really there

Hey girl, you’re not alone

Chin up, you can be free

Life can be yours

Fight this, you are so strong

Don’t just give in

At home, she feels so lost

Feeling overlooked she goes to her room

She shrugs off the world, steps on the scale and weighs her self-worth

Too much, she thinks.

Time to work out this anger and hatred, running away from her body, her life

Dinner means fighting and yelling, She stands alone.

Hey girl, you’re not alone

Chin up, you can be free

Life can be yours

Fight this, you are so strong

Don’t just give in

Crawling to bed she curls in a ball and cries herself to sleep

Wishing to just disappear, gaining weight her biggest fear

Constantly count the caloric content

Fighting the image she sees in the mirror

Hey girl, you’re not alone

Chin up, you can be free

Life can be yours

Fight this, you are so strong

Don’t just give in

She never lets out her emotions,

Held in,

Kept Back,

Buried down deep

No wants, she cannot show need

Acting the virtue of self-denial

Truly believing she has no worth

Needing is weakness in her warped world

Hey girl, you’re not alone

Chin up, you can be free

Life can be yours

Fight this, you are so strong

Don’t just give in

Friends say She is so beautiful

Her family watches in fear

She doesn’t know how death is quite near

Daily trips to the gym to work off that fat

Never satisfied, always she fails

Sadness and loneliness define her whole life

Searching for the answers that cannot be found

Always chasing the numbers

Never catching up

Hey girl, you’re not alone

Chin up, you can be free

Life can be yours

Fight this, you are so strong

Don’t just give in

Image in the mirror

fractured light twists and bends

distorted figure staring back,

a sad and pained expression on her face

who is this soul, so lost and tortured

looking back from frightened eyes

eyes that beg for help and aide

who is this girl so young yet old

a shell of a human, not really living

and as she stares at that reflection

her face becomes hard and eyes lose all humanity

nothing left, no light or shelter

all is lost that once was gained

a body weakened, old and rotted becomes what once was young and fertile

she falls so slowly, not longer able

to hold this machine upright and well

on the floor the image vanishes and all that’s left is a broken girl

the mirror predicts the worst outcome

and preys on fears of those who gaze

what once was beauty turns to ashes

as the mirror-world becomes her truth

souls drift slowly into nothing

are lost in mists of grey and black

she came, she saw, she did not conquer

the last battle would be her fall

If my brain were quiet...

if my brain where quiet, would i be at peace?

if my eyes could cry, would i let them tear?

if life were fair, would i finally be happy?

drifting way in my dreams

longing for a better time

wishing that this bitterness would leave

and I could save my life

no one knows how hard

each step i take is to make

and no one sees the pain buried deep within

a smile is easy to fake

and laughter can easily hide

a fearful child inside